Azumanga Strangelove
by Captain Sbop
Summary: or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Anime. Azumanga Daioh vs. Dr Strangelove: Anime during the Cold War
1. Chapter 1

**Azumanga Strangelove**

**or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Anime**

_Author's notes:  
_English is not my native language, so please bear with me  
Japanese words are explained in the notes at the bottom  
Comments and reviews are most welcome  
The obligatory disclaimer: I own neither Azumanga Daioh nor Dr. Strangelove

* * *

The time was well past midnight. In the Operations Center at Sakura Air Base the usual busy, but controlled activeness reigned. The Officers of the 843rd Bomb Wing directed the 34 bombers from the Wing on airborne alert. Colonel 'Mandrake' Nyamo sat at her console observing the big board on the wall showing the positions of the planes. The telephone rang, and she answered it immediately: "_Moshi moshi_ (1)?" 

"Colonel Nyamo, this is General Yukari" an enthusiastic voice said.

"Yukari?" Nyamo asked puzzled.

"Yukari - you recognize my voice?" the voice asked.

Nyamo stared at the device in disbelief: "Of couse I do! Why do you ask?"

"Why do you think I ask?" The voice sounded annoyed.

"How the heck should _I_ know!" Nyamo said angrily. "We spoke on the phone just ten minutes ago!"

"You think I'd ask, unless it was pretty damned important?" the voice growled.

"All right then" Nyamo sighed. "What do you want?"

"Have the planes of the Wing reached their fail safe points?" General 'Ripper' Yukari asked smugly.

"Yes, every one of them is in position."

"_Yosh_ (2)! Now listen up, Nyamo" Yukari said with determination. "I want the base put on Condition Red. And I mean right now!"

"Hey, great idea - keeping the troops on their toes" Nyamo said with a smile.

"Nyamo, this is not an exercise " the far too smug voice said. "The balloon has gone up!"

"Yukari, you shouldn't joke about that..." Nyamo said reproachfully.

"It's no damned joke!" was Yukari's spirited answer. "I just received orders on the secured line. The base is to shut, sealed tight - and that's what we'll do!"

"_Hai_ (3)" Nyamo sighed.

"And then I want you to transmit to the Wing orders for Attack Plan R!"

"_Kami-sama_ (4)!" Nyamo said appalled. "Is it that bad?"

"Yep, it looks pretty big..." Yukari chuckled. "Now, last, and possibly most important, all radios and phones on the base are to be impounded immediately. They might be used to issue instructions to spies and saboteurs..."

"_Hai_!" Nyamo said determinedly.

"Yosh!" Yukari said with satisfiction. "Call me when you've done that!"

Nyamo hung up, and pressed the button activating the base alarm.

XXXXXXXX

The mighty B-52 bomber slowly made it's way across the sky, high above the clouds. The plane was alone, but was part of a larger force of bombers controlled by the Strategic Air Command (a.k.a. SAC) of the Air Force. Of this force scores of airplanes, armed with nuclear weapons, were constantly airborne, and each of these planes were never more than two hours of flying away from their bomb targets, deep inside Russia.

The plane flew on autopilot, and in the pilot's seat Major 'Kong' Osaka sat and blew little bubbles from her nose, in time with her snoring. In the copilot's seat next to her sat Lieutenant Sakaki and gazed in fascination in a magazine about cats. A low but persistent beeping made her sigh and look up. She peered at the radio display and read the three letters and three ciphers indicating a coded message: FGD 135.

Quickly she looked it up in the codebook and decoded the message. Gradually her face became more serious, then worried, and finally desperate.

"_Kami-sama_, what should I do?" she said, and looked at the yellow cat Chiyo-dad who sat behind her.

"You should tell your superior" the cat answered in a slow, deep voice, and smiled at her inscrutably.

Sakaki nodded. "Osaka-san! Wake up!" she called to her superior.

"Hmmm... those pigtails are..." Osaka mumbled in her sleep.

"Mmm... oh... what?" she said in confusion as Sakaki shook her. "What's going on?"

"Osaka-san! We have a message from base. Ordering Attack Plan R!" Sakaki said seriously.

Osaka stared at her intensely: "Sakaki-san: Did you say Attack Plan R?"

Sakaki nodded her head.

"Sakaki-san!" Osaka said sternly. "How many times have I told you that I want no horsing around on the airplane!"

Sakaki blushed a little: "Osaka-san! I'm serious - that's how it decodes!"

She handed her superior the message and the codebook, and Osaka began staring intensely at one, then the other, seemingly expecting the letters to change.

"Maybe we'd better get a confirmation from base..." Sakaki said, and turned to the radio. "Maybe it's some kind of loyalty test..." she added with a hint of hope in her voice. "To see if we really commence the attack run when the order is given - and then a counterorder is given in a moment?"

"General Yukari would never order Attack Plan R unless something was terribly wrong..." Osaka mumbled, staring out the windshield.

Sakaki glanced at Osaka, then at Chiyo-dad whose facial expression she still couldn't interpret. She didn't look too convinced. "Osaka-san, message from base confirmed" she said a moment later.

Osaka leaned forward and pulled something from a bag below her seat. With caution she fixed the pair of brown pigtails to her hair. Then she straightened herself up, a resolute expression on her face: "Sakaki-san, we have a mission!"

XXXXXXXX

General 'Turgidson' Tomo guffawed at her favourite lamebrain TV show when the phone rang. She scowled at the phone, but as this didn't make it stop she grumblingly rose and answered it: "_Hai - Tomo desu_ (5)."

"General Tomo, this is Oberst Chihiro" a thin but serious voice said.

"What do you want?" Tomo asked, annoyed.

"Eight minutes ago a transmission from Sakura Air Base was intercepted" Chihiro said. "It was directed to the bombers on airborne alert, and decoded as orders for Attack Plan R!"

Tomo jumped in excitement and knocked over the phone: "Yaaay! An attack, an attack!" she shouted with joy.

After about a minute she slowed down and picked up the phone.

"Tomo-chan! General Tomo! Are you there? _Moshi moshi_?" Chihiros agitated voice said.

"Yup, I'm here!" Tomo said, grinning with joy. "What's cooking on the threat board?"

"Nothing!"

"Nothing?" Tomo said in disbelief. "That can't be true... Chihiro, you'd better call the base commander, General Yukari, for a verification..."

"I already tried that, General-san, but all communications are down - radio, phone, the works..."

"Hmmm... that won't do..." Tomo said, considering for a moment. "Chihiro, you better bump up the readiness level to Condition Red, call the rest of SAC - and the President."

"_Hai_!"

"I'm on my way - See you in the War Room!" Tomo went on, grinning. She slammed down the receiver. "Woo hoo hoo" she yelled, and rushed out the door.

XXXXXXXX

General Yukari sat, with her feet on her desk in her large office, speaking to the base personnel through a microphone: "Your commie has no regard for human life" she said, in a cocksure, nonchalant voice - "not even his own! That's why all of you have to be on your guard! The enemy may come individually, or he may come in strength - he may even come in the uniform of our own troops..." she went on - "but no matter how, we must deny him entrance to the base!"

In the Operations Center Nyamo supervised the orders being carried out while listening absentmindedly to Yukari's peptalk.

"I have defined three simple rules which everyone on the base must follow" the loudspeaker resounded with Yukari's smug voice. "First, trust no one, unless they're known to you personally. Second, anyone who approaches within 200 yards of the base is to be fired upon. Third, if in doubt, shoot first, and ask questions afterwards! I would sooner accept a few casualties through accident than lose the entire base through carelessness! So, go get 'em, girls and boys - yay!" Yukari shouted in a hysterically joyful voice.

While picking up a message from the printer Nyamo wondered for a moment what worried her the most: That the end of the world might be coming, or that Yukari sounded so damned confident. To her surprise she discovered a small radio next to the printer. She turned on the device, and heard tones of unconcerned J-Pop. "Something's wrong..." she said and rushed out the room, with the radio in her hand.

XXXXXXXX

On the B-52, a surprisingly resolute Osaka had found the details about Attack Plan R in the safe box.

"Should we really do this?" Sakaki mumbled to herself in doubt. She glanced at Chiyo-dad.

"Don't forget that your target is _red_!" the smiling cat said to her, in his slow, resonant voice.

Osaka began reading the Attack Plan out loud: "To insure that no fake orders are transmitted to us, the CRM-114 discriminator is to be switched into the radio. The emergency code prefix is to be set on the dial of the CRM. This will block any transmission unless preceded by the code prefix."

Sakaki looked at her, as she listened intently.

"Set code prefix to K.I.R.I.N." Osaka said.

Sakaki set the code on the discriminator, and switched it into the radio. She glanced again at Osaka, who sat staring out the windshield.

"'Kirin'... I wonder what 'Kirin' means in Russian?" Osaka mumbled absentmindedly. "What if it means, like, 'Hi!', and the Russians send us a message... How do we know if it's a fake order?"

"Osaka-san, _onegai_ (6), pull yourself together!" Sakaki pleaded, her desperation having returned for a moment.

"Hmm... yes!" Osaka said, her resolute expression returning. "Did you check the auto-destruct circuits?"

"_Hai_!" Sakaki replied.

"Primary target is the ICBM complex at Laputa." Osaka went back to read out the Attack Plan and target coordinates, while Sakaki planned the route. "30 megaton nuclear device fused for airburst at 10,000 feet - 20 megaton nuke will be used if the first's a dud" Osaka read, and Sakaki shuddered. "Otherwise, proceed to secondary target: Missile complex 7 miles east of Borshov" Osaka said, and gave Sakaki the coordinates.

XXXXXXXX

Nyamo hurried through the narrow corridors in the headquarters of the 843rd Bomb Wing, carefree music coming from the radio in her hand. She found the door to the office of the Wing's commander. Without knocking she burst through the door, and found General Yukari sitting chuckling behind her desk. Yukari looked up at her in surprise. The desk was filled with heaps of paper, ring-binders and books in foot-high piles, and as Nyamo came closer, she could see Yukari pouring beer into a tall glass.

"Listen to this, Yukari" Nyamo said, smiling, as she held up the radio in front of Yukari.

Yukari's grin had vanished, and she eyed her with a mix of surprise and suspicion.

"It's pop music!" Nyamo stated the obvious. "Civilian broadcasting."

Yukari glared at the radio.

"It looks like SAC wanted to test out readiness with a small exercise" Nyamo said with a smile. "Personally, I think they've taken it a bit too far - our girls will be inside Russian radar coverage in 20 minutes..."

"Nyamo!" Yukari snarled. "I thought I issued instructions for all radios on this base to be impounded!"

"You certainly did" was Nyamo's unfazed reply. "And I was in the proces of impounding this one when I happened to switch it on."

Yukari stood up, with firm steps walked to the door and locked it, and put the key in her pocket.

"I thought" Nyamo went on, "that since our planes will be detected by the Russians in 20 minutes, I'd better tell you right away - 'cause if that happens, hell might break loose!"

"Nyamo!" Yukari growled, as she sat down behind her desk. "Even though we're friends, that doesn't give you any prerogatives to question my orders!"

Nyamo looked at her in surprise. "I know that, Yukari, but I thought you'd be pleased to hear the news... After all, we don't want to start a nuclear war, do we?"

"Shut that thing up" Yukari demanded, obviously annoyed, and pointed at the radio.

Nyamo turned it off, and looked earnestly at Yukari. "What about the planes? We have to transmit the recall code immediately! "

"Nyamo, the planes are not gonna be recalled" Yukari said firmly, taking a draught from the glass. "My attack orders have been issued, and the orders stand!"

"Yukari, listen to me" Nyamo entreated. "If there really _was_ a Russian attack in progress, the radio certainly wouldn't be playing pop music!"

"Are you certain of that, Nyamo?" Yukari asked, not really seeming interested in the answer.

"_Hai_!" Nyamo replied firmly.

"Then what if it's true?"

"What are you saying?" Nyamo said in disbelief. "I mean, if a Russian attack were not in progress, then your use of Plan R..." - she hesitated for a second - "then there's something terribly wrong somewhere..."

Yukari leaned back and gestured nonchalantly. "Nyamo, you just take it easy now. Get me another beer, from the cabinet over there, and help yourself to whatever you like..." she said, smiling smugly.

For a long moment Nyamo stared at her in disbelief. Then she put the radio down on one of the paper piles on the desk, stood at attention, and saluted. "General Yukari: As an officer of the Air Force" she said in a firm and reproachful tone, "it is my clear duty to issue the recall code on my own authority, and bring back the Wing!" She turned around and strode resolutely towards the door.

Nyamo found that the door was locked. The other door in the room was locked too, and the third one merely led to the bathroom. "Yukari, I need the key and the recall code" she said to the woman behind the desk. "Where is it?"

"I told you to take it easy" Yukari said, unconcerned, and again took a draught of beer. "There's nothing anybody can do about this thing now... I'm the only person who knows the recall code..."

"Then give them to me, dammit!" Nyamo shouted angrily, and strode towards the desk.

The General removed a piece of paper from the top of one of the piles, revealing a pistol.

"Yukari, are you threatening me, your best friend?" Nyamo said, more in disbelief than in anger.

"Nyamo" Yukari said in a strangely composed tone. "I suppose it never occured to you, that while we're chatting here so enjoyably, a decisicion is being made by the President and the joint chiefs, in the War Room at the Ministry of Defence."

Nyamo glanced at the pistol, but said nothing.

"And when they realize there's no possibility of recalling the Wing" Yukari went on, a manic grin appearing on her face, "there'll be only one course of action open: Total commitment!"

"Nyamo, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?" Yukari asked, somewhat more composed.

Nyamo stood dumbfounded, and slowly shook her head.

"He said war was too important to be left to the generals" Yukari went on, and emptied her glass. "When he said that, during World War I, he might have been right... But today, war is too important to be left to politicians! They have neither the time, the training, or the inclination for strategic thought..."

Nyamo swallowed hard, and stood motionless.

Yukari took a deep breath, and looked her in the eyes: "I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious beer and sake!"

XXXXXXXX

(1) Moshi moshi: Hello

(2) Yosh: All right/Good

(3) Hai: Yes/Yes sir/Okay

(4) Kami-sama: God

(5) Hai - Tomo desu: Tomo speaking

(6) Onegai: Please


	2. Chapter 2

**Azumanga Strangelove**

**or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Anime**

**Part 2**

In the large War Room, deep below the Ministry of Defence, surrounded by boards showing the positions of the armed forces, including the planes of the 843rd Bomb Wing, the President and the Chiefs of staff were gathered around a large, round table. General Kaorin looked at President 'Muffley' Yomi: "Everybody's here, President-sama - we are ready to begin."

"Right" the President said, seriously. "General Tomo, what's going on?"

Tomo leaned back, with a face like she was about to tell an exciting story. "About 35 minutes ago General Yukari, the commanding officer of Sakura Air Base, sent orders to the bombers of her wing, which were on airborne alert at the time. It looks like the orders called for the planes to attack their targets inside Russia."

The other attendees at the table looked at each other in shock.

Tomo grinned, and pointed to one of the big boards: "The planes are armed with an average load of 40 megatons of nuclear weapons. This board shows the positions of the planes, and of their targets inside Russia. The airplanes will begin to penetrate Russian radar coverage within about 25 minutes."

Appalled, Yomi stared at Tomo: "How is this possible. I thought that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons!"

Tomo took a piece of chewing gum and nodded: "That's right - and though I hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like General Yukari has exceeded her authority..."

"Damn right it does" Yomi growled. "And far more than I had imagined possible!"

Tomo grinned: "Well, maybe you're forgetting the provisions of Attack Plan R?"

Inquiringly, Yomi looked at her.

"Plan R is an emergency plan in which a lower echelon commander may order an attack with nuclear weaponry, if there's been a sneak attack and the normal chain of command has been disrupted. You approved it yourself, Yomi, you must remember..."

Yomi groaned, and rubbed her forehead.

"The idea was that even if the enemy should knock out the government, including you, Yomi, in a sneak attack" Tomo continued complacently, "he wouldn't escape a retaliatory attack..."

"Then why haven't you sent counterorders to the planes?" Yomi angrily demanded.

Tomo shrugged: "Well, one of the provisions of Plan R provides that, once the attack order has been received, in order to prevent the enemy from issuing fake or confusing orders, the planes will only accept new orders if they are preceded by the correct code prefix."

"You're telling me that you're unable to recall the planes!" Yomi shouted, in a mix of disbelief and anger.

"Well..." Tomo said. "We've started to transmit all possible letter combinations to the planes, but since there are close to 12 million permutations, it's gonna take us about 2½ months to try them all..."

"And how soon did you say the planes would penetrate Russian radar cover?" Yomi asked, trying to suppress her anger.

"Within about 20 minutes" Tomo replied with a grin.

"Are you in contact with General Yukari?"

Tomo shook her head. "Yukari-chan cut all communications with the base, shortly after having phoned SAC Headquarters. I have a transcript of the conversation if you'd like to hear it?"

Yomi nodded gloomily.

Tomo pulled out a piece of paper and began reading it out: "The officer on duty asked Yukari if she really did order an attack, and she responded: 'Yup, they're on their way, and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country and our way of life I suggest you get the rest of SAC airborne. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by red retaliation! My girls'll give you the best kind of start: 1400 megaton worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now!'" Tomo grinned. "'So let's get going - there's no other choice! We shall prevail through the purity of our precious beer and sake. _Banzai_!'"

"And then she hung up" Tomo concluded. "We're still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase..."

Yomi banged her hand on the table: "There's nothing to figure out" she angrily snarled. "Obviously, Yukari's gone psychotic!" She breathed in deeply. "Tomo, when you instituted the human reliability tests you assured me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occuring!"

Tomo looked at her in displease: "Aw, Yomi - it's not fair to condemn the whole program because of a single slip up..."

Trembling from suppressed anger, Yomi slowly counted to ten. "Let me speak to Yukari" she finally said.

Tomo shrugged: "I'm afraid that's impossible..."

In a single leap Yomi was next to her, choking her with both hands: "Screw you and your opinion on what is and isn't possible!"

Colonel Chihiro and General Kaorin rushed to the couple and separated them. Panting, Yomi went back to her chair. "Kaorin, do we have any army units stationed near Sakura Air Base?" she asked.

"One moment, I'll check" Kaorin responded, and started looking through a ring-binder on the table. "It looks like the 23rd Airborne Division is stationed 7 miles from Sakura" she said after a few moments of reading.

"_Yosh_!" Yomi said resolutely. "Kaorin, I want them to enter the base, locate General Yukari, and put her in immediate telephone contact with me!"

"_Hai_!" Kaorin said and picked up a phone.

"Yomi, if I may advise " Tomo said while rubbing her sore throat. "Under condition red it is standard procedure that the base is sealed off, and defended by the base security troops. Anyone trying to enter would certainly suffer very heavy casualties..."

"General Tomo" Kaorin contemptuously remarked. "With all due respect for your defence team, our troops can brush them aside without too much trouble..."

Ignorering her, Tomo leaned towards Yomi. "Yomi, there's one or two points I'd like to make if I may!"

Yomi nodded.

"One: Our hopes of recalling the 843rd Bomb Wing are very quickly being reduced to a very low order of probability" Tomo said, raising her finger. "Two: In less than 15 minutes from now the Ruskies will be making radar contact with the planes. Three: When they do, they're gonna go absolutely ape, and they're gonna strike back with everything they've got!" Tomo looked at the others gathered around the table. "Four: If, prior to this time, we have done nothing further to suppress their retaliatory capabilities, we will suffer virtual annihilation!"

Tomo leaned back and smirked: "Five: If, on the other hand, we were to immediately launch an all-out and coordinated attack on all their air fields and missile bases, we'd stand a damned good chance of catching them with their pants down!"

She jumped up and, raising her fist in confidence of victory, leaned over the table towards Yomi: "Hell, we already have missile superiority! We could easily assign three missiles to every target, and still have a reserve force left!"

Quickly she opened a ring-binder in front of her and grinned triumphantly: "Six: An unofficial study, which we undertook of this eventuality, indicates that we would destroy 90 of their nuclear capabilities. We will therefore prevail and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian casualties from their remaining force which would be badly damaged and uncoordinated!"

"Tomo, it's the avowed policy of our country _never_ to strike first with nuclear weapons!" Yomi angrily retorted.

Tomo shook her head and smiled wryly: "Yomi, Yukari-chan has already invalidated that policy!"

"That was not an act of national policy" Yomi snubbed her. "We still have alternatives open to us!"

"We are rapidly approaching the moment of truth" Tomo retorted, a hint of vexation in her voice. "Now, truth isn't always a pleasant thing - but it is necessary now to make a choice" she went on, and thumped the table. "To choose between two admittedly regretable but nevertheless distinguishable post war environments: One where you've got 20 million people killed, and the other where you've got a 180 million people killed!"

"You're talking about mass murder, Tomo!" Yomi said with indignation.

Tomo shook her head in pity: "Yomi, I'm not saying this is an easy solution" - a broad grin appeared on her face - "but I do say, no more than 10 to 20 million killed - tops!"

Yomi jumped up and pointed enraged at Tomo: "I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler!" she shouted.

Tomo frowned. "Perhaps it might be better, Yomi, if you were more concerned with the people of this nation than with your image in the history books..."

"Shut up, _baka_ (1)!" Yomi foamed.

"President-sama, the ambassador is waiting upstairs" Colonel Chihiro broke in.

"_Yosh_" Yomi said, and checked her anger. "Have her come down immediately."

"_Hai_!" Chihiro replied, and relayed the message on the phone.

"Is that the Russian ambassador you're talking about?" Tomo asked in disbelief.

Yomi nodded with annoyance.

Tomo could hardly believe her ears: "Are you letting the Russian ambassador enter the War Room?"

"Yes, _baka_" Yomi snarled. "She's here on my orders..."

Tomo shook her head: "You're calling _me_ _baka_! Are you aware of how serious a breach of security that would be?" She pointed to the boards surrounding the table: "She'll see everything!"

"That's just the idea, _baka_!" Yomi snarled, and turned towards Chihiro: "Get the Russian Premier on the hot line!"

The door to the War Room opened, and in came a small figure, apparantly no more than 12 years old. Her brown hair was arranged in a couple of pigtails, and she flashed a very cute smile: Ambassador Chiyo Mihama. "_Konbanwa, minna-san_ (2)" she said happily and bowed.

"Hi Chiyo-chan" Yomi said and smiled at her, though her smile seemed somewhat forced. "Come on in."

Tomo glared at her like she was the devil incarnate and drew back: "Aaaaa - she's so cute!" she shouted. "You're not going to trick me with that cuteness of yours!"

Chiyo-chan pouted and, ostentatiously ignoring the girl, marched to Yomi, who glared angrily at Tomo.

"President-sama" Chihiro said. "We're getting the Russian Premier on the line."

Yomi turned towards her, and was just about to pick up the phone, when she heard a loud 'smack'. She turned around and saw Tomo repeatedly hitting Chiyo-chan on the head, while she small girl whimpered protests and tried in vain to protect herself.

"Your cuteness is just a front - but I won't be tricked!" Tomo shouted.

Enraged, Yomi rushed over and intervened: "Dammit, you can't fight in here - this is the War Room!"

XXXXXXXX

Quiet and nervous, Nyamo sat looking at Yukari, who still sat behind her desk with a grin and knocked back beer. A few moments ago she had heard gunshots, and now machine gun fire and explosions could be heard outside. Evidently a battle was under way on the base. Worriedly, Nyamo glanced at her watch.

XXXXXXXX

President Yomi and Chiyo-chan both had a phone in their hand. "Please tell your Premier where you are, and that you'll enter the conversation if I say anything that's not true, but please don't tell any more than that..." Yomi asked the small, cute girl.

After Tomo's assault on her, Chiyo-chan still pouted.

"Chiyo-chan, _onegai shimasu_ (3)!" Yomi pleaded.

"_Hai_" Chiyo-chan sighed, and started talking on the phone. Half a minute later she was smiling again, and said to Yomi: "I've done as you asked."

Yomi gripped the phone tightly, and cautiously said: "_Moshi moshi_ ... How are you? ... I'm fine, thank you! ... Now then, you know how we've talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb? You know, the Hydrogen Bomb!"

Yomi glanced at the others around the table, all of which were listening in with bated breath.

"Now, what happened is that one of our base commanders went a little... funny... in her head, and... she went and did a silly thing ... Well, I'll tell you what she did: She ordered her planes" - Yomi swallowed hard - "to attack your country ... Please, let me finish!"

Gradually, Yomi's voice became more and more angry: "Listen, how do you think _I_ feel about it? Why do you think I'm calling you - just to say hello? ... Of course I like to speak to you! ... Not just now, but anytime! ... I'm just calling you to tell something terrible has happened ... Of course it's a friendly call, _baka_!"

Yomi breathed in deeply, and glanced at the boards which clearly showed the movement of the bombers towards their targets. "They will not reach their targets in at least another hour ... Yes, I'm positive ... Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador, and it's not a trick! ... Well, I'll tell you: We'd like to give your Air Staff a complete rundown of the flight plans and defensive systems of the planes ... Well, if we're unable to recall the planes - we'll just have to help _you_ destroy them..."

Appalled, Tomo stared at Yomi.

"I know they're our girls! ... Now, who should we call? ... The People's Central Air Defence Headquarters? ... In Omsk? ... Oh, you'll call them first?"

Yomi tiredly rubbed her forehead. "I'm sorry too! ... All right, you're sorrier than I am - but I'm sorry as well! ... I am as sorry as you are - don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are! ... So we're both sorry, all right! ... Yes, she's right here - she wants to talk to you..."

Yomi nodded at Chiyo-chan. The girl smiled and again started talking on the phone. Gradually, her facial expression turned from cheerful cuteness to panicked terror, and her fear infected the others who looked at her inquiringly. Finally she hung up.

"What?" Yomi inquired.

"Aaaargh! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" Chiyo-chan whined horror-struck, and frantically flapped her arms.

"What's the matter Chiyo-chan?" the concerned Yomi asked.

"The... The Doomsday Machine..." Chiyo-chan whimpered.

"The Doomsday Machine? What is that?" Yomi asked, anxiously.

"A device which will destroy all human and animal life on Earth!" Chiyo-chan replied in a trembling voice.

"All human and animal life?" Yomi exclaimed frightened.

Tomo just shook her head incredulously and smirked.

XXXXXXXX

Nyamo was still sitting in the sofa. She nervously regarded Yukari, who by now had stood up and was pacing back and forth in the office, a glass of beer in one hand and a bottle in the other. Meanwhile, the shooting outside went on unabated.

All of a sudden, Yukari sat down in the sofa next to Nyamo, and threw her feet on the table. With a grin, she took a draught from her glass, and put her arm around Nyamo. "Nyamo!" she suddenly said and stared at her, surprisingly earnest.

"Yes, Yukari?"

"Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of beer or sake?" Yukari asked.

Nyamo gaped at her, dumbfounded, and barely managed to shake her head.

"Vodka" Yukari went on. "That's what they drink, isn't it? Vodka - never beer or sake?"

Nyamo stared at her, nodding slowly. She swallowed hard and stammered: "Yukari - wh-what are you getting at?"

"Beer and sake - that's what I'm getting at!" Yukari stated, and stared intently back at Nyamo. "Beer and sake is the source of our life! And as human beings you and I need pure beer and sake to subsist!"

Nyamo fidgeted, and chuckled nervously.

"You understand what I'm saying?" Yukari asked her, deeply serious.

Nyamo nodded, while making faces to keep from breaking out in hysterical laughter.

Just then a machine gun burst shattered the window. Yukari jumped to her feet and excitedly yelled: "That's nice shooting, soldier!" Another burst hit the ceiling lamp, making the room almost completely dark. "Come and get me!" Yukari shouted, and emptied her glass of beer. Then she tossed glass and bottle aside, went to a closet and opened it, and pulled out a machine gun. She swept her desk clean of papers, pulled belts of ammunition from a drawer, and placed the machine gun on the desk.

"Nyamo!" she called. "Get over here and help me with this belt!"

XXXXXXXX

In the War Room a despairing Chiyo-chan explained: "When the Doomsday Machine is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the Earth will be as dead as the Moon!"

Tomo laughed scornfully: "That's ridiculous! Our studies show that even the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks!"

Gloomily, Chiyo-chan looked at her: "You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G..."

"What's that?" Tomo asked.

"Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of 93 years" Chiyo-chan whimpered. "If you take, like, 50 H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a Doomsday shroud: A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the Earth for 93 years!"

"Bah!" Tomo shouted in defiance, pointing at Chiyo-chan. "Sounds like a load of bull!"

Irritated, Yomi biffed Tomo on the head, and turned towards Chiyo-chan: "I don't quite understand this, Chiyo-chan. Is your Premier threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?"

"Oh no, Yomi" Chiyo-chan replied, tears in her eyes. "No sane person would do such a thing! The Doomsday Machine is designed to trigger itself automatically!"

Appalled, Yomi stared at her: "Can't you disarm it?"

Chiyo-chan shook her head in sadness: "It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it..."

"This is insane!" Yomi shouted, infuriated. "Why would you ever _build_ such a thing?"

Chiyo-chan sighed: "There were those among us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race - and the peace race... Our Doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we'd been spending on defence in a single year." She gazed accusatorily at Yomi: "But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a Doomsday gap!"

"That's ridiculous!" Yomi exclaimed in disbelief. "I've never approved of anything like that!" She peered to a corner of the room: "Strangelove-sensei (4) - do we have anything like that in the works?"

"A moment please, President-sama" an eerie voice came from the shadows. Forth stumped a lanky figure, wearing a crumpled suit and a loosened tie. The glasses were big, round and fogged up, and the jaw hung down limply: Kimura 'Strangelove'-sensei.

He headed straight for Chiyo-chan who stared at him, terrified. His neck gave a loud 'crack' as he leaned his head on one side: "Gaaaaa... _kawaii_ (5)!" he screamed, staring at Chiyo-chan, who recoiled in fear.

"Answer my question, _baka_!" Yomi angrily demanded.

"Eeeeh?" Kimura gawked at her, open-mouthed.

"The Doomsday Machine?" Yomi repeated with impatience.

Kimura straightened up his head with another 'crack'. "Ah yes..." he said. "Under the authority granted me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned last year a study of this project. Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all too obvious..."

Yomi gazed at him with bated breath. "Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?"

Kimura gawked back at her. "The technology required is easily within the means of even the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the will to do so..."

"But, how can it be triggered automatically, and at the same time be impossible to untrigger?" Yomi asked, umcomprehending.

"Ah, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine!" An excited look gradually appeared on Kimura's face. "Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday Machine is terrifying. It's quite simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing."

"Gee, I wish we had one of them Doomsday Machines!" Tomo whispered in fascination to Chihiro who stared at her, flabbergasted.

"How can it be triggered automatically, _sensei_?" Yomi inquired.

"Well, it's remarkably simple to do that" the pervert said. "When you merely wish to bury bombs, there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to a computer network. Then, a specific and clearly defined set of circumstances, under which the bombs are to be exploded, is programmed into the computers..."

"Why is his nickname 'Strangelove'?" Tomo whispered to Chihiro.

"It used to be '_Henteko Koi_'(6)" Chihiro whispered back. "But then he changed it..."

Kimura again turned towards Chiyo-chan: "But... the whole point of the Doomsday Machine... is lost... if you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?"

"It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday" Chiyo-chan whimpered. "As you know, the Premier loves surprises..."

XXXXXXXX

At Sakura Air Base the fight raged unabated. From her office a grinning Yukari fired the machine gun out the window, with Nyamo reluctantly kneeling by her side and feeding the ammo belts for the machine gun.

"Ah ha ha! Let's show those bastards!" Yukari excitedly laughed.

Another machine gun burst shattered what little glass in the room remained undamaged. "Yukari!" Nyamo said with concern. "Don't you think we should find a safer place?"

"_Banzai_!" Yukari shouted and once again pulled the trigger.

After a couple of minutes of more shooting, cries of surrender could be heard outside, and the battle noise died down. "Our troops must have surrendered..." Yukari said, disappointed.

Nyamo nodded hopefully. "Yukari, I beg you, while there's still time, let's recall the Wing!"

Yukari threw the machine gun down, and went to the miraculously undamaged bar cabinet. She grabbed a bottle of beer, opened it and downed half of it in one draught. "Those spineless bastards!" she shouted, furiously. "They let me down..."

"Not at all" Nyamo tried to reassure her. "I'm sure they did their best for you!"

Yukari took another draught from her bottle, and then paused for a moment. "In a few moments those pigs outside are coming here - for me..." she said in a flat voice. "I guess they're gonna give me a pretty good going over... Maybe they'll even... torture me..."

"Torture you?" Nyamo exclaimed. She paused for a moment, then nodded gloomily. "Yeah, maybe they will..."

Yukari swallowed hard. "I don't know how well I could stand up under torture..."

"Then why not just give the code to me, your best friend?" Nyamo asked, a small hopeful smile on her face. "And when they come - we'll fight them together!"

Yukari shook her head, and with weary steps went to the bathroom.

"Ah, you're going to do a little wash and brush up?" Nyamos smile became more forced. "Always got to look your best, eh?"

Yukari closed the door to the bathroom.

"Now... how about you and I play a little guessing game?" Nyamo suggested hopefully. "I'll try and guess what the code is..."

A shot was heard from the bathroom. Nyamo ran to the door and tried to push it open, but something blocked it. Putting her shoulder to the door, she managed to open it enough to peek inside. "Oh, Yukari!" she said, as tears filled her eyes.

XXXXXXXX

(1) Baka: Idiot/Fool

(2) Konbanwa, minna-san: Good evening, everyone

(3) Onegai shimasu: Please

(4) Sensei: Dr./Professor/Teacher

(5) Kawaii: Cute

(6) Henteko Koi: Literally 'Strange Love', according to an online dictionary, and my own guess at which expressions of 'strange' and 'love' were most appropriate


	3. Chapter 3

**Azumanga Strangelove**

**or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Anime**

**Part 3**

The B-52 was well on its way to its target deep inside Siberia.

"I'm ready with the fuel figures now" Sakaki said. "We have 109,000 total, which works out to roughly 7 hours 15 minutes endurance for this time."

Osaka stared thoughtfully out the windshield. "How can fuel have a figure? I mean, isn't it fluid?"

Sakaki sweatdropped, but then a beeping from the instruments attracted her attention. "Osaka-san, I have an unidentified radar blip. Distance: 60 miles. Approximate speed: Mach 3. Looks like a missile tracking us!"

"Huh?" Osaka shook her head, causing the pigtails to swing wildly, and looked inquiringly at her.

"Confirmed, definite missile track. Commence evasive action to the right..." Sakaki stated in a serious voice.

Slowly, Osaka forced the plane into a turn to the right.

"Missile still closing range. Distance: 50 miles. Continue evasive action."

The large plane continued banking.

"ECM locked to target intercept mode" Sakaki proceeded. "Missile still tracking and closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue evasive action."

She looked to the rear at Chiyo-dad, who smiled at her and waved encouragingly.

"Missile tracking steady and closing distance. Range: 30 miles."

Sakaki glanced at Osaka who looked as resolute as ever (though the pigtails spoiled the impression somewhat). Apparantly she had difficulties controlling the plane, but she managed to force it to continue banking.

"Missile still tracking steady. Range: 20 miles. Continue evasive action" Sakaki said, nervously.

"Range: 10 miles. Missile track deflecting. Continue evasive action" she proceeded with increasing arousal. "Deflection increasing. Range: 8 miles. Deflection still increasing. Range: 6 miles. Missile still deflecting. Range: 4 miles. Range: 2 miles. Missile still deflecting. Range: 1 mile. Missile detonated!"

A flash in front of the plane illuminated the cockpit, and for a moment the two pilots were blinded. A split second later the plane was hit by a shock wave that shook everything violently, and bounced them in their seats. Several alarms broke out, including the fire alarm. Sakaki looked around the cockpit and saw that several instruments were on fire. She jumped to her feet, grabbed a fire extinguisher and began putting out the fire.

Meanwhile, Osaka tried intensely to regain control of the plane which, subsequent to the explosion, had entered a steep dive. The plane rolled violently, and several engines had stopped. "Pigtails, help me fly!" she muttered.

And at last, while Sakaki was almost done putting out the fires, Osaka regained control of the plane: They flew low, but straight and level. Osaka and Sakaki smiled at each other with relief.

XXXXXXXX

Nyamo stared at Yukari's desk. In front of her was a piece of paper filled with doodles, and the word '_Kirin_'(2) written repeatedly. Surrounding it were shards from several beer bottles. "_Kirin_?" Nyamo mumbled to herself.

Just then, two shots were heard, and the door to the office was kicked open. Enter paratrooper Colonel 'Guano' Kagura, a smoking carbine in her hand. "Get those hands up" she ordered, pointing to Nyamo with the gun.

"Just _what_ are you doing?" Nyamo angrily exclaimed.

"Get those hands up, I said!"

Hesitatingly, Nyamo raised her hands above her head. "I'm Colonel Nyamo" she said angrily. "General Yukari's executive officer."

"Where's General Yukari?" Kagura demanded.

"In the bathroom, over there" Nyamo replied and pointed. "She's dead!"

Keeping the gun pointed at Nyamo, Kagura peeked into the bathroom. "Ah..." she dryly noted.

"I don't know what you're doing here" Nyamo said angrily, "but I've got a pretty good idea of what the recall code is, and I have to get in touch with SAC Headquarters immediately!"

Unflappable, Kagura regarded her: "Got any witnesses?"

"Witnesses?" Nyamo said in disbelief. "She shot herself!"

"Uh huh?" Kagura didn't look too convinced.

"Look here, Colonel... Kagura" Nyamo said, irritated, as she read the nametag on Kagura's uniform. "I have a very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray, what the recall code is: _Kirin_! She was always drinking that stuff!"

Kagura ignored Nyamo's prattle and kept the gun pointed at her: "Keep those hands above your head, and start walking."

"Don't you know that General Yukari went insane and sent the Wing to attack the Soviets?" Nyamo furiously shouted.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'll tell you what I'm talking about" Nyamo shouted. "I'm gonna pick up this phone and call SAC... Damned!" Vexed, she threw the phone down. "No connection - probably destroyed by one of you during this stupid fight..."

"All right, I've wasted enough time on you" Kagura said coldly. "I've got a lot of wounded waiting outside. Now start walking!"

Furious, Nyamo went out the room, followed by Kagura.

XXXXXXXX

On the B-52, Sakaki was back in her seat and was in the process of checking if the instruments were still working. "All the radio gear is out" she said. "I think the auto-destruct mechanism got hit and blew itself up."

"What about fuel?" Osaka inquired.

Sakaki looked at the fuel meter and did a bit of math. "We're losing fuel at approximately 162 per minute" she responded. "This gives us a sufficient radius of action to reach primary and secondary target." Sakaki turned pale. "But we won't ve able to make it back to any base or neutral country..." She paused for a second. "Maybe we could ditch in the ocean near one of our ships..."

"Well, three engines are out, we're leaking fuel, and the radio's gone" Osaka said doggedly. "But at least, as long as we keep this height, the Russkies sure ain't gonna spot us on radar!" she added with satisfaction.

XXXXXXXX

"Won't you please listen to me?" Nyamo appealed, a mix of annoyance and desperation in her voice, as she was marched at gunpoint by Kagura.

"Listen, I don't know anything about any planes attacking Russia" Kagura said, slightly peeved. "I was just told to get General Yukari on the phone to the President..."

"Wait a second" Nyamo said, turning around. "You just said 'the President'..."

"What about her?"

"The President wants to speak to General Yukari, doesn't she?" Nyamo asked with impatience. "And General Yukari is dead, right? Then, since I'm General Yukari's executive officer, the President will want to speak to me, eh?" She pointed to a pay phone a few steps away. "There's a telephone right there, and the line may be open..."

"You want to talk to the President?" Kagura said sceptically.

"No, I don't _want_ to talk to her, I've _got_ to talk to her!" Nyamo impatiently shouted. "Please, let me!"

Kagura sighed: "All right then - but I'll keep an eye on you..."

Nyamo rummaged in her pockets. "Damned... I'm a little short of change..." Hopefully, she looked at Kagura: "Have you got any coins?"

Kagura regarded her as if she was a complete imbecile: "What, you think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket?"

Desperately, Nyamo looked around the area and saw a vending machine. "Shoot the lock off that automat" she demanded. "There may be some coins in there..."

Kagura hesitated. "You'd better be right about this..."

"Just shoot it, _baka_!" Nyamo said, exasperated. "Shoot! With the gun! That's what the bullets are for, dammit!"

Kagura put a couple of holes in the automat, and coins clinked out.

XXXXXXXX

In the War Room, an excited Kaorin spoke on the phone: "I have SAC Headquarters on the line, President-sama" she shouted with joy. "The recall code, '_Kirin_', is being acknowledged by elements of the 843rd Bomb Wing."

"Woo hoo" Tomo shouted and danced around. Yomi and Chiyo-chan jumped ecstatically.

"Four planes are reported destroyed by enemy action" Kaorin went on. "All other planes have acknowledged the recall code."

"All is well that ends well" Tomo said with a grin.

"Excuse me, President-sama" Chihiro called in a somber voice. "I've got the Russian Premier on the line again - there seems to be a... problem..."

Yomi grabbed the phone and spoke to the Premier: "What? ... There must be some mistake... No, I'm perfectly certain of that... Just a second..." Perplexed, Yomi looked at the others in the War Room: "It seems that one of the planes hasn't turned back - the one that, according to SAC, was headed for Laputa..."

Tomo shook her head in disbelief and grinned: "_Baka_! That's impossible! I mean, look at the big board" she said, pointing to the board that showed the planes' positions. "There's 34 planes in the Wing, 30 recalls acknowledged, and four splashes, one of which was headed for Laputa!"

Yomi spoke on the phone again: "Look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane except the four you shot down ... Oh... Oh..." Yomi looked at the others. "Now their Air Staff only claims three aircraft confirmed - the fourth may only be damaged..."

Distrustful, Tomo glanced at Chiyo-chan and then at Yomi. "Yomi, I'm beginning to smell a big, fat commie rat... I mean, suppose they're lying about the fourth plane, just looking for an excuse to clobber us!"

Yomi glared at her and picked up the receiver again: "Tell me, if this report is true and the plane manages to bomb the target, is it... is this going to set off the Doomsday Machine? ... Are you sure?" Yomi's face revealed a rapidly growing desperation. "Well, I... I guess you'll just have to get that plane ... Look, I'm sorry they're flying too low for radar detection, but they've been trained to do so... You know, it's called initiative! ... Now, you know exactly where they're going, and I'm sure your entire air defence can stop a single plane ..."

"It's not going to help either one of us if the Doomsday Machine goes off, is it?" Yomi shouted with anger. "_Baka_! There's no point in you getting hysterical at a moment like this!" Cooling down, she sighed. "I'm just worried, that's all ... Can I... can I give you just one word of advice? ... Just put everything you've got near Laputa and you can't miss!"

XXXXXXXX

"Osaka-san, the fuel leakage has increased" Sakaki said, worriedly. "It is now 205. Remaining fuel is 8790." She glanced at Chiyo-dad behind her, who smiled as always. "So, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate, I estimate we only have 42 minutes of flying time which will not even take us as far as the primary..."

Osaka looked at her severely: "Dammit, Sakaki, you promised we'd get to the primary!"

"_Gomen nasai_ (1)! That estimate was based on the original loss rate factor, not on 205."

"Just get us to the primary" Osaka obstinately demanded.

"_Gomen_... We'll be lucky just to reach the ocean..."

"Well, shoot!" Osaka said, aggravated. "We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink! What's the nearest target opportunity?"

Sakaki examined the map for a moment. "Well, if the rate of loss doesn't increase, we have a chance to reach the missile complex at Kodlosk, and possibly make it from there to the ocean..."

"_Yosh_, I'll settle for that..." Osaka said. "Give me a heading as soon as you've got it worked out, will ya?"

XXXXXXXX

In the War Room, Yomi was still talking on the phone: "Well, just do your best - and remember, we're all in this together... Yes, we'll keep the line open..."

Yomi put the receiver down and seriously looked at Tomo: "General Tomo, is there really a chance for that plane to get through?"

Cocksurely, Tomo grinned: "Yomi, the Russkies talk big, but frankly, their bark is worse than their bite. You can't expect such a bunch of _bakas_ to do as well as our girls..."

Affronted, Chiyo-chan glared at her.

"Just answer the question, _baka_!" Yomi said with annoyance.

Tomo grinned: "Sure... Now, if the pilot's good - I mean, if she's _really_ sharp - she can barrel that baby so low..." Excited, Tomo spread her arms like a pair of wings. "You oughtta see it sometimes, it's a sight! A big plane, like a '52, vrooom! There's jet exhaust, flying chickens in the barnyard!"

"Yeah, but has it got a chance?" Yomi impatiently demanded.

"Has it got a chance?" Tomo yelled ecstatically. "Hell, ye... Oh!" Stupefied, she stared into space as the perspectives dawned on her.

XXXXXXXX

"Approaching target" Sakaki said. "Range: 10 miles."

"Roger!" Osaka replied with firm voice. "Ready for final bomb run check."

"Set bomb fuse to ground burst, delay factor three, zero altitude" Osaka ordered.

"_Hai_" Sakaki said, and pressed a few buttons.

"Check bomb arming test lights."

"Bomb arming test positive" Sakaki responded.

"Release first safety" Osaka commanded, and Sakaki pressed several switches. "Release second safety" Osaka proceeded.

"Range to target: 8 miles" Sakaki said.

"Open bomb bay doors."

Sakaki pressed a button, without result. She tried again a couple of times. "Uh... Negative on bomb bay doors, Osaka-san!"

"Switch in backup circuits" Osaka ordered.

Sakaki did as ordered, but had no better luck. "_Gomen_... It doesn't work" she said with a flat voice. "I guess the operating circuits are dead..."

"Damned, what do we do?" Osaka mumbled, staring dejectedly out the windshield.

"Target distance: 6 miles" Sakaki said. She turned to look at the big yellow cat, Chiyo-dad, who as always smiled inscrutably at her. "I'll see what I can do..." he said in his deep voice, and moved towards the hatch to the bomb bay.

"Target distance: 4 miles" Sakaki said, increasingly nervous. She glanced at Osaka, who stared into space.

"Target distance: 3 miles" Sakaki said in an uneasy voice. "Target in sight! Where's Chiyo-dad?"

Just then, an alarm signaled the opening of the bomb bay doors. Osaka immediately snapped out of it, and with a satisfied grin she pressed the release button for the bomb. The plane jumped up with the weight of the bomb gone.

"But, what about Chiyo-dad?" Sakaki said in despair. She glanced out the windscreen, and saw the yellow cat float across the sky, smilingly waving to her.

And then the Sun touched the earth...

XXXXXXXX

Depressed, Yomi sat in the War Room, surrounded by Tomo, Kaorin, Chihiro and Chiyo-chan. Even Tomo looked down.

"President-sama?"

Yomi saw Kimura-sensei standing in front of her, the usual gawking look on his face. "What is it?"

"President-sama, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human specimens" Kimura said in his creepy voice. "It will be quite easy at the bottom of some of our deeper... mineshafts. The radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep. And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could easily be provided..."

Sceptically, Yomi gazed at him: "How long would you have to stay down there?"

"Well, let's see now" Kimura replied, pulling out a small note book from his pocket. "Cobalt thorium G... Radioactive half life of... I would think possibly... one hundred years!"

Yomi didn't look very happy: "You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?"

"Certainly!" Kimura stated, leaning his head on one side with a 'crack'. "Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be bred and _slaughtered_" he proceeded, in a surprisingly savage tone of voice. "A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country. But, I would guess that... dwelling space for several hundred thousand of our people could easily be provided..."

Dejected, Yomi stared at the floor. "Well, I... I would hate to decide... who stays up and... who goes down..."

"That would not be necessary, President-sama!" Kimura declared. "It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills."

Doubtful, the others in the room looked at each other.

Tomo leaned towards Yomi, a sly expression on her face: "I think we ought to look at this from a military point of view. I mean, suppose the Russkies stashes away some big bombs - when they come out in a hundred years they could take over!"

Dejectedly, Chiyo-chan shook her head.

"I think it would be extremely naive, Yomi, to imagine that these new developments are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist policy" Tomo proceeded resolutely. "We must be increasingly on the alert to prevent them from taking over other mineshaft space!" She jumped to her feet and shouted, her fist in the air: "Yomi, we must not allow a mineshaft gap!"

"President-sama, I have a plan!" Kimura-sensei said, his head still on one side. "It involves lots and lots of _kawaii_ high school girls..."

* * *

(1) Gomen nasai/Gomen: Sorry

(2) Kirin: Large Japanese brewery


End file.
